


the blur that knows a defeat

by wanderinglilly



Series: Begin Again [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bittersweet, F/M, I'm Sorry, Multi, please don't put the lid on the trashcan i gotta breathe, slight DJWifi cause i'm also sinking with this ship, slight kiminette because i'm sinking with this ship, things get better and then they get worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6413623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderinglilly/pseuds/wanderinglilly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being friends with someone who knows you have a crush on them, Marinette decides, is undoubtedly hard.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Marinette rebuilds her entire relationship with the love of her life after her less-than-ideal confession, and Adrien gets a chance to meet the Marinette that always eludes him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the blur that knows a defeat

**Author's Note:**

> -pops out of the trashcan like Oscar from sesame street- Hello guys!
> 
> so i couldn't stop thinking about the angst fest that is _you don't have to smile so sad_ and i told myself, 'what if i wrote more?' and here we are nearly 4k words later!
> 
> i heavily suggest you watch the 2014 movie Begin Again cause its wonderful songs inspired these fics, the title of this one off Keira Knightley's _coming up roses_ from said movie's soundtrack. alternate title's from _tell me if you wanna go home_ by the same performer.
> 
> i put a lot of my heart in this, i hope you guys like it.

* * *

“ _Bonjour Alya, Adrien” “Bonjour Nino.”_

Marinette doesn’t want to enter her classroom.

She doesn’t want Alya’s concern or Nino’s pity; doesn’t want her classmates worried stares at her less than cheerful demeanor; loathes to even think about Chloe’s mocking sneer -but most of all, she doesn’t want to go in and see Adrien avoid the gaze he usually seeks out to happily greet every morning.

Yet Marinette is willing to bear it all. She isn’t okay, can’t force herself to be, but her friends don’t have to suffer for it. The weekend helped her clear her mind, and she’s decided not to let herself wallow in self-pity. She can’t be Adrien’s girlfriend, so what? It’s not like she can’t still be his friend.

(If he wants her to)

Marinette brings out the best smile she can muster, stained only with a touch of sadness, and walks into the room. Her friends -Alya, Adrien and Nino-, are holding an animated conversation that stops immediately once they spot her in the threshold. Steeling herself, Marinette offers them a quiet salute and an even quieter smile, her hand shoved somewhere inside her schoolbag as she makes a rare straight line towards her desk. Melancholy has brought unexpected serenity to her, as well as an odd but not unwelcome steadiness to her steps.

Once she’s seated, her hands finally close around what she’s been looking for, and Marinette brings the three bags of cookies out with a determined expression. She offers one to Alya, who takes it with her normal excitement, and then hands the two left to Adrien and Nino at the same time, afraid to chicken out if she leaves them for last.

Nino practically rips the bag off her hand, but Adrien stares at it long enough for her arm to start to cramp. Marinette stares right at him, more courage in that moment than it even took to confess to him. She hopes Adrien can see she still wants to be his friend, still thinks he’s the kindest, most wonderful person she’s ever had the luck to meet, still as in awe of him as she was that first (and only) time she heard his laugh under the rain.

After a moment, Marinette starts to withdraw her hand, embarrassed; it’s then that Adrien’s larger hand shoots up and snatches the bag off of it. His fingers touch hers for the barest of moments and a whole thunderstorm travels up her arm straight into her heart.

“ _Merci_ , Marinette.”

* * *

 

“Do you think it was a mistake to reject Marinette?”

Nino chokes on his cookie. Adrien almost regrets asking the question, because he knows Nino, Alya and everyone else are caught in the middle of what happened between him and Marinette (Marinette, who continues to be the kindest, most selfless person he’s ever met even after he broke her heart); and knows that if the time came for them to choose, they’ve all been Marinette’s friends longer than they’ve been his.

After a gulp of water and a few wheezes, Nino manages to dislodge the cookie crumbs from his windpipe, but shows no intention of answering his question. Instead, his friend studies him for a long time -not unlike he did Marinette this very morning, not unlike he did his ceiling during all his free time this weekend, playing and replaying the events of Friday on his head in a useless attempt to think of a way things could have gone better.

A lifetime later (or maybe just a couple of minutes), Nino replies.

“Man,” he says lightheartedly, biting into another cookie. “I think anyone who doesn’t -or _hasn’t_ liked Marinette needs a doctor.” Nino laughs, but there’s no humor in his laugh, just a bittersweet feeling. “I mean, Marinette’s amazing! When we were in _primaire_ , she kicked this guy in the balls because he’d taken my headphones!” now his laugh is genuine, eyes alight with the memory and Adrien wishes desperately he could have been there to remember it too. “Then Chloe joined our class and she just…” Nino makes a whooshing sound, gesturing with his hand. “I don’t know man. It’s like she took away everything that made Marinette herself... I’d never seen anyone push her around like that. Until you and Alya joined our class, that’s when she started to act more like herself.”

 “I swear, if it weren’t for Alya…” his best friend sighs, his cheeks turning a rosy pink. “But you don’t like Marinette, do you?” his tone is suddenly serious, and Adrien feels like being scolded by his father. For a person so casual about everything all the time, Nino sure knows when to get down to business.

“I do!” he protests, cheeks growing warm once he realizes the meaning in his friend’s words. “I-I mean… Marinette is a great girl a-and I like her, but I don’t have feelings for her. Not that kind of feelings for her.”

Nino nods, satisfied. “Then it’d have been more of a mistake to lead her on. Don’t sweat it, man. Marinette doesn’t resent you for it; and,” he adds, looking knowingly at Adrien “neither does any of us. Let’s go to class.”

As he stands up to follow his friend back inside the school, Adrien is filled with an intense affection and gratitude towards his friend, and even though he knows it doesn’t make things right between him and Marinette, now he has hope for their friendship (and all his other ones).

* * *

 

Being friends with someone who knows you have a crush on them, Marinette decides, is undoubtedly hard.

It’s hard because she still loves Adrien with every fiber of her being, still thinks the world of him -still wants to be by his side forever. And he _knows_ it. even though her stuttering is significantly less prominent (the fear of saying the wrong thing is severely diminished after you’ve said it all, it seems), they still dance around one another, awkwardness ruling over their every interaction.

It’s only been a week, and Marinette excuses herself home on Friday under the pretense of a migraine. She cries herself to sleep again that night.

* * *

 

“Guys, do you know if something happened to Marinette? We were playing UMS at my house on Friday and she didn’t show up.”

Adrien looks up from his locker in the boy’s shower room after physical education. Hanging out with the guys there before going to class has always given him a sense of belonging, but now it just makes him feel guilty. Briefly, Nino glances at him. He knows his friend won’t say anything without his permission, and that’s what makes him wait a little longer before letting the truth out in the open.

They were going to find out eventually, anyway, and it’s not like he regrets his actions.

Right?

“Oh yeah,” Kim interjects, hair a mess of blonde and brown without the aid of hair gel to keep it in its usual ‘do. “she’s been leaving the gym early all week. We haven’t done weights in _ages_!”

Suddenly, the entire male half of the classroom is in on the conversation: skipped art class with Nathanaël, didn’t go to that rock music festival with Ivan. Adrien didn’t know Marinette spent so much time with all their classmates.

Two weeks since she confessed to him, and nearly two years of knowing each other, Marinette and Adrien haven’t spent more than a couple afternoons together. And now he’s ruined the afternoons she does spend with other people. The guilt is suddenly heavier. He coughs.

“I…” Nino shakes his head, but Adrien is determined to be honest. “Two weeks ago Marinette confessed to me. I like someone else, so I rejected her. I don’t think I was mean about it -but I guess it’s not presumptuous of me to assume that might be…?”

He leaves the sentence in the air, shrinking under the gazes of his classmates. His heartrate increases as they stare at him until the ringing of the bell brings them out of their stupor.

“Bro, are you blind?” Kim asks, combing his hair into submission. He’s not talking any differently, but his eyes look somehow softer. “’Cause that’s the only way anyone would reject Marinette.”

“I told him the same.” Nino bumps Kim’s fist as he passes by.

“My mom thanks Marinette when she beats me in videogames.” Max muses as he walks out behind Kim.

Nathanaël doesn’t say anything, but he shakes his head very slowly, giving him a compassionate smile and a tap on the shoulder.

“Come on, man.” Nino beckons, “Let’s go to class.”

* * *

 

“Girl, this can’t go on.” Alya whines, sprawled out on her chaise. “You and Adrien act as if one of you were going to bite!”

From her desk, Marinette offers a noncommittal hum. She’s been sewing this dress for most of the day, and she’s too close to finishing it to listen to Alya.

Keeping busy has led her through her grief. Sewing and exercising and spending time with her friends and parents -all of that sooths and slowly mends her aching heart. It’s been a month since she was rejected, and though she is not fine yet, she is better. Her smiles aren’t as sad and she even trips over herself sometimes.

Tikki hides on a shelf behind Alya, sending her an encouraging smile when she looks up to pseudo-pay attention to her best friend. Marinette’s heart thrums with affection. Alya is her best friend, but Tikki is her other half, and she’s been giving her strength every day for the past month.

Being Ladybug certainly has helped too; Marinette thrives in the rush of adrenaline after beating an akuma, draws bits of joy from Chat Noir’s awful-enough-to-almost-find-funny jokes. And because she is Ladybug, Marinette knows she can’t keep on ignoring her friend.

“You’re right.” She says softly, putting away the dress and needle. Alya looks up from her phone, gaze soft with something akin’ to pity. Marinette refuses to be pitied anymore. “I can’t keep avoiding Adrien if I want to be his friend. I’m going to talk to him!”

“That’s the spirit, girl! Now look at the article I just posted…”

* * *

 

When he walks out of school after fencing practice, he’s surprised to see Marinette sitting out on the school steps, the soft spring breeze rustling the pigtails that so often remind him of his lady’s.

His lady, who doesn’t love him back, and for whom he rejected Marinette.

_Don’t go there_ , he tells himself, _you love Ladybug, and she might love you back_.

“Marinette.” He calls with a cautious tone. She turns around, blue eyes open wide and mouth slightly parted, oddly reminiscing a deer in the headlights. Adrien wonders who she’s waiting for, if maybe Alya and her agreed to meet here-

If she’s waiting for him. but that would be too presumptuous of him. After everything, what could Marinette possibly want with him?

“A-Adrien.” She replies, and it brings a little smile to his face to hear his old friend the stutter. She takes a deep breath. “Hello.”

“Hi,” he salutes carefully casual “waiting for Alya?”

“No I… I was actually waiting for you.” She admits. She’s looking at the ground, and it’s a shame because Marinette’s eyes are really pretty and she never really looks at him when she talks and he _knows why_ but it still stings a little that they’re so blue (just like his lady’s) and he wishes-

She looks up at him. He wants to tell her to go on but there’s a lump in his throat from her stare, so he only nods. Closing her eyes, Marinette starts speaking.

“I- I know I have been even weirder than usual.” She lets out a humorless laugh. “You-you didn’t ask for this and I-”

“Marinette.” He interrupts “I want you to know that I don’t think any less of you because of your feelings.” He leaves out the _for me_ that he knows would make both of them wince. “If anything, I’m glad. I thought you hated me.”

She gasps. “H-hate you? How could I ever…?”

“I know. Well, _now_ I know.” He offers her a sheepish smile, after which her shoulders seem to relax a little. "I'm sorry."

“Adrien… I was waiting here to tell you that…” she looks up at him again, biting her lower lip. “I’m sorry things have been so hard. I-I’m not very confident in myself like Kim or funny like Nino or conversational like Alya but I… I’d still like to be your friend, i-if you want me to. I know you don’t have many of those.”

He can’t believe this. He feels like the World’s Biggest Jerk™. Here she is, the girl whose heart he broke, the girl who clearly still has feelings for him, asking to be his friend in spite of those more-than-friendly feelings. Marinette is still talking, gone on a tangent, but he only hears his own pulse pounding in his ears and only feels the stinging of tears on his eyes.

His father will throw a fit if his eyes are puffy for tomorrow’s photoshoot.

Partly because he can’t do or say anything else, and partly because he really, _really_ wants to, Adrien engulfs Marinette in his arms, holding her tight against his chest and burying his face in her hair. Marinette’s height is perfect for embracing her, he notes, cheeks warm with happiness and slight embarrassment.

“You already are my friend, Marinette.” He assures right as she returns the embrace.

* * *

 

Adrien hugs her and it breaks her heart all over again, but it also heals it a little.

* * *

 

“So do you guys have dates for the spring dance yet?”

Again in the boys’ shower room, Adrien looks away. He wishes he could ask Ladybug to go with him, but knows that if, by some miracle (ha!), his father allows him to go to the dance, he’ll probably go alone.

“You could ask Marinette.” Plagg says around a mouthful of cheese, hidden away at the bottom of his gym bag, as unsupportive as ever. “I bet she won’t say no.”

Adrien scowls, just who exactly does his kwami think he is? Some jerk with no tact?

_I’m not that socially awkward_ , he thinks.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Plagg.” He mutters, zipping the bag shut and walking out of the room without partaking in hi classmates’ conversation. He doesn’t notice Nino’s confused look as he leaves, or hear Kim declare his intentions of asking Marinette himself.

But the idea burns a hole in his head for the rest of the day.

* * *

 

Marinette attends the spring dance for two reasons: firstly, because Kim invited her, and secondly, because she spent too damn long in her and Alya’s dresses not to wear them.

Hers is white with a butterfly print bursting from the center of the dress and outwards, while Alya’s is a more daring, off the shoulder black and white dress, vaguely reminiscing of her Lady WiFi outfit -something for which she gets a not-so-amused shove. Kim picks her up outside of the bakery, and they walk to the school even though her one-inch black heels are slightly uncomfortable.

It's nice; Kim is nice, and funny and… glaring at the guy Alix is talking to. They’re dancing to some upbeat song Nino ordered rather than requested after seeing Alya’s killer dress, and Marinette wonders if this is the way she looks whenever Chloe plasters herself all over Adrien.

Which, coincidentally, is what she’s doing right now.

Deeply sighing, Marinette taps Kim’s shoulder to request his attention. “Hey,” she smiles when he looks at her with slight embarrassment, “dare you to ask Alix to dance.”

His eyes widen in surprise. “B-but Marinette-”

“Oh, so you’re a _chicken_?” Marinette teases, but there’s no malice in her voice, only understanding. Kim gulps, gaze alternating between her and Alix’s general direction, until he drops his arms from her waist with a wistful smile.

“I am not! And when I win this dare, you’re totally showing me your secret jogging route.” He declares; Marinette giggles. He starts walking away then turns around, placing a large hand on her arm and squeezing softly. “Thanks, Marinette.”

* * *

 

When he finally manages to ditch Chloe, Adrien makes a beeline towards his friends. Nino and Alya are dancing, and they look so comfortable and _focused_ on each other that it makes him a little jealous. Looking around, he spots Marinette sitting alone beside a table. Her elbows are propped up on her thighs, fists framing her face as she looks at the dance floor longingly.

Didn’t she come here with Kim?

He approaches her decidedly, smiling when she finally notices him.

“ _Bonsoir_ , Adrien.” She says, pointing to an empty chair beside her with her pinky finger. “I saved you a seat.”

Things are better now than they’ve ever been, Marinette actually _talks_ to him -and she’s so funny. She’s passionate and smart (things he already knew) but she’s also genuinely hilarious, in a dry kind of way.

It’s a side he’s glad he’s gotten to see, and yet…

Marinette doesn’t stutter around him anymore; she doesn’t avoid his gaze or need their friends to mediate their conversations, which means she’s not nervous around him anymore.

It makes Adrien wonder if maybe she doesn’t like him anymore, and for some reason, the thought doesn’t sit well on his stomach. He shakes his head to rid himself of those thoughts (because _he’s in love with_ Ladybug, okay?) and is about to try to start a conversation with her when she stands up.

It hits him then: Marinette isn’t only funny and smart and passionate, she’s also very, very beautiful. The dress she’s wearing would be worthy of his father’s praise, the butterflies on it bringing out the crystal blue of her eyes; her hair, mostly loose except for a few strands tied back, frames her face perfectly and her light make up makes her look ethereal in the dim light of the _collège_ ’s patio. Adrien’s cheeks flare up and his heart starts beating at a frantic pace, his pulse raging inside his head.

Looking at her, Marinette is extending a hand towards him, the other behind her back as she smiles at him the way she did the day he met her from beneath a closed umbrella and _no no no this isn’t okay I love Ladybug I need to see Ladybug-_

“Dance with me, Adrien?”

Like there’s a chance in hell he’s going to say no.

* * *

 

Ladybug has been waiting for ten minutes by the time Chat Noir shows up for patrol.

She’s slightly miffed, because there’s a French test coming up and Nino’s birthday and there’s a million things she has to do, things she dropped when Chat Noir asked her to meet him in their usual place as soon as possible, yet he is nowhere to be found.

A moment later, Ladybug hears the soft thud of his boots as they land on the roof; she turns around, more than ready to tell him off for his lateness, but all her annoyed comments die on her tongue when she sees the distressed expression on her kitty’s eyes.

“What’s wrong, _chaton_?”

It’s like opening up a dam.

“What _isn’t_ wrong, my Lady?” Chat Noir, starts, his hands in the air as he starts to pace, talking a mile a minute. “I’ve spending so much time with this friend of mine who confessed to me a while ago and she’s so nice and great and beautiful and she probably doesn’t even like me anymore and-” he pauses to let out a groan. Ladybug thinks it would be funny if he didn’t look so seriously conflicted. “I shouldn’t even be worrying that she doesn’t like me anymore because _I love you_ , my Lady but she went to this party with a guy and I was _dying_ and-”

“Chat Noir!” she finally says, having stopped listening after the very casual and very serious “I love you, my Lady”. Her squeal draws his attention enough for him to focus his too green eyes at her, the realization of what he just said dawning on him seconds later. Beneath her mask, Marinette’s heart fills with dread, because she knows what comes next and she wishes no one would ever feel the way she still feels sometimes when Adrien is particularly kind to her. “D-do you mean that?” she whispers rather than asks.

“From the bottom of my heart, my Lady.” He replies, solemn. “I’ve never been more honest.”

* * *

 

Ladybug’s look says everything.

Chat Noir knows she’s going to reject him, because she’s looking at him like he’s about to die -and he might as well be. He offers her a small smile, heart tight with preemptive sadness. “But you don’t love me back, do you my Lady?”

Ladybug winces, the cool Parisian wind blowing over her fringe and obscuring her eyes for a minute. Ladybug is more beautiful then than she’s ever been, her features sharpened by the shadows of twilight. Her mouth forms a compassionate smile as she sits down on the edge of the roof. She pats the space next to her, and even though all he wants to do is run away and cry his heart out in the confines of his room, he complies, sitting carefully by her side.

“I’m so sorry Chat Noir.” She says sincerely. Chat Noir wants to resent her, to tell her that her apologies don’t help him at all -but if someone knows what’s it like to not be able to force yourself to feel something for someone, that’s himself. He can’t begrudge her for it. “It’s just- I like someone else.” She admits, eyes downcast. “And even though I was already rejected by him I… I haven’t stopped liking him.”

It feels like a punch in the gut, and Chat Noir wants to punch back whoever so thoughtlessly broke his lady’s heart.

“It’s okay, Ladybug.” He hears himself say. Ladybug’s hand is not very far from his, and in a display of bravery he reaches out and takes it. He waits for her to withdraw it, but the pull never comes, so he gives it a squeeze. It’s rather ridiculous that he’s comforting her even though it’s _his_ heart the one that’s being broken. “I just wanted you to know.”

Chat Noir offers his lady a sad smile, her eyes bright blue and filled to the brim with distress and… tears?

“I’m sorry, Ladybug, did I-?”

“N-no.” she interrupts, half sobbing. “It’s not -right n-now isn’t a good time, I-I’m gonna go.” Squeezing her eyes shut, Ladybug throws away her yoyo, jumping away before he can even get a word out.

“Ladybug!” he yells, defeated. He kicks a nearby can, but it doesn’t make him feel any better. Pole-vaulting himself into the nearest alley, a broken-hearted super hero turns into a broken-hearted teenager, and Adrien walks dejectedly back to his house with Plagg nuzzling his neck from the inside of his shirt, and the certainty that, for him, it’s more than just bad luck.

**Author's Note:**

> marinette's [dress](https://www.wish.com/c/55894e2af7026d28da7c567f)  
> alya's [dress](https://www.wish.com/c/56287a46d87a3b50472b59ab)  
> -  
> i just want you guys to know that despite all the drama that's happening around the fandom i'm still very attached to it and i hope all my followers and friends here and on tumblr stay chill and respectful and realize the show is for all of us to enjoy and bond over, not a ring on which to hurt each other. Be respectful and remember the target audience! And please don't be rude to Papapillon! without him, there'd be no miraculous ladybug.
> 
> Finally, i hope you guys liked this cause i'm holding myself from reading Chasing the C/h/atwalk until it's posted ;)  
> if you did like it i'd appreciate you leaving a comment here and/or on my [tumblr](chatnoirslady.tumblr.com) :)!


End file.
